Telling Tall Tales: Reasons for Lying

Written by Eryn Jager

While I generally discuss topics relating to social media, I received an intriguing email with the question “how do you deal with a child who lies?” Due to much concern and questions by foster parents relating to this topic, I felt this was necessary and important to cover. While I am by no means a therapist, after much time spent reading various child psychology articles and child behavior forums I found the general consensus for children lying (and even adults) was reasons related to fear, habit, negative anticipation, watching parental figures lie, and attention seeking.

The question still remains. How do you deal with a child who lies? Many specialists discuss the importance of the consequences of lying, but highly suggest refraining from the use of punishment. In other words, let your child have the safety net to make their mistakes now, but show and teach your child through examples there are, in fact, real-life consequences to lying. What happens when people lie in court? What happens when you get caught taking money from others, but do not deliver a product? How does this affect others around you? The use of media examples and even children’s videos which tell tales of life lessons are helpful when trying to teach children the effect lying has on his or herself and others.

If a child is lying out of fear, habit, anticipation of a negative response, or because they are in need of attention, professionals continue to reiterate the “no punishment” rule. By becoming angry with or demeaning the child, sending him or her to a time-out, or whatever else you may use as a punishment, you unintentionally reinforcing the original reason why the child was lying to begin with! Hence, the child will feel more obligated to work on his or her lying skills. Having clear-cut expectations of the behavior and a consequence tied to the desired behavior for not complying has been found to be very helpful in teaching children the importance of truth-telling. Following your own expectations and consequences may also help for children who have learned to lie from watching their own parents.

While everyone has to learn the lessons that come with lying, it is important to create a consistent and predictable environment for the child you care for. Follow through with what you have established as expectations and consequences for telling tall tales. While there is always room for exceptions and compromise depending on what may be going on in your household (e.g., school related events that run late), if the general rule is homework must be finished before play time, but the child has inevitably fibbed about completing his or her homework. Play time the next day is then skipped, but will be resumed the following day. Overall, helping make connections to the real world through examples and being consistent with expectations and consequences will provide children with the knowledge and skill set needed.