Foster Parents as Coaches – Part 1

By Bill Kerzman

Recently I was reviewing a list of suggestions and comments made in a social work chat forum on LinkedIn about what makes for a successful foster care provider.  The list was long and there were many great qualities listed from patience to understanding, from firmness to nurturing, and even from structured to flexible.  However, one theme kept coming through the comments that struck me as critically important… that was the theme about foster parents being great coaches.  As I reflect on the many great foster parents I have had the pleasure of working with in the past thirty years, I think this may in fact be the overall key to effective foster parenting.

It is one thing to be loving, it is another to teach and coach how to be loved and loving.  It is one thing to have great social/people skills, but is another thing to be able to coach others to have these skills as well.  I started researching and reviewing and want to share some of the principles I found that support this idea.  Let’s start by looking at the four stages of learning.

The learning process has often become more difficult than necessary because of the bad feelings people get when they make mistakes in learning. The bad feelings come from judgments like, "not doing it right," "not good enough," "can never learn this," etc.

Ironically, not doing it right and making mistakes are vital steps in the learning process. Yet too often our attention goes to trying to avoid the bad feelings, rather than to the learning at hand. Understanding the four stages of learning a skill can help keep the learning process focused on learning to do something, and not feeling bad about ourselves for not already knowing how. Here are the four stages of learning as uncovered by Abraham Maslow:

1. Unconscious Incompetence

"I don't know that I don't know how to do this." This is the stage of blissful ignorance before learning begins.

2. Conscious Incompetence

"I know that I don't know how to do this, yet." This is the most difficult stage, where learning begins, and where the most judgments against self are formed. This is also the stage that most people give up.

3. Conscious Competence

"I know that I know how to do this." This stage of learning is much easier than the second stage, but it is still a bit uncomfortable and self-conscious.

4. Unconscious Competence

"What, you say I did something well?" The final stage of learning a skill is when it has become a natural part of us; we don't have to think about it.

 The foster parent that can stay connected to the mind and experience of the learner will be a successful coach and mentor. The person that just keeps expecting people to “be better” or “do better” will burn through people and will not successfully be able to cultivate the potential of those they serve. Foster parents must be able to create a process by which young people can learn new skills, practice new skills and succeed with engraining these new skills in their daily living habits.

The inability to communicate and coach people through each of the 4 stages can be a real downfall of people who try to foster growth in others. If you as an adult are unconsciously competent and not able to connect to the conscious incompetence of young people, you will not be an effective foster parent. It is important to be able to reach all four stages of learning and help others grow. So here are seven qualities I will list as the most important to successful foster parent coaches:

1.    Self Awareness – it is vital that adult role models have great self awareness… they recognize how they are doing, how they are feeling, and make a CHOICE in how to interact and respond to others.  At CPI we teach about the “Integrated Experience” which shows how most crises are not a crisis just for one person, but a process engaged in by at least two parties.  We often say “Do not let the person in crisis pull you into their storm, but pull them into your peace and calm.” Self aware adults can do this because they know and understand their own emotional buttons and needs.

 

2.    High Emotional Intelligence - Emotional intelligence refers to the ability to perceive, control and evaluate emotions. Some researchers suggest that emotional intelligence can be learned and strengthened, while others claim it is an inborn characteristic. Regardless of where it comes from, foster parents who have it are great at tuning in to the emotions of others while staying rationally detached from the fray. 

 

3.    An overarching vision with focus on important details – This paradoxical talent allows people to both (a) view the big picture while (b) sharpening the skills and steps needed to move others to this same envisioned goal.  Recognizing small steps and incremental changes is easier for these individuals.  They recognize that people may take steps back at times too, and are not overly frustrated when these back steps occur.  All the while, they keep their eye on the prize and help young people achieve their goals.  The best foster parents even allow the foster youth to accept that they did these things on their own.

 

4.    High regard and respect for others – these foster parents see value in others.  Not just the child, but the child’s family, siblings, community and team.  They care deeply and want positive change for the child’s sake. 

 

5.    Supportive and Nurturing – they have their own needs met, or are aware of how to meet their own needs - allowing them to be the best caretakers for others.  They know their limits and when to take a break or call for help.  They offer comfort and supportive structure even when kids are anxious or pushing limits.  They care and put caring first.

 

6.    Walk the talk – the best coaching foster parents role model and mentor the skills they desire to foster in others. They live out the sermons of compassion, love for your neighbor, and caring for the poor and downtrodden. 

 

7.    Desire to help – this is the one quality that truly stands out in coaching foster parents.  They are not in this for the fame and fortune, but out of an ingrained desire to improve the world…. Whether it be the world for a specific child or the world for their community.  And for this, we cannot say “THANK YOU” enough!

Chivalry Rebooted – The case for modern KNIGHTS among us

I had the pleasure and responsibility of being a part of PATH’s Strategic Planning meetings this past Friday and Saturday along with Board Members and PATH leaders.  It was an intense, thought-provoking, challenging, and long set of presentations, discussions, and decision-making activities. 

After this experience, I tried to relax by watching some football and began preparing for a discussion class in another facet of my life. In this class, I was tasked with leading a discussion on CHIVALRY.  The idea of chivalry being dead, or being outdated was challenged by the idea of people to having a need for virtues and social responsibility. As part of my preparation I read the following excerpts from Scott Farrell’s 2002 article entitled, “What is chivalry?”

“The term may sound familiar, but … gosh, it has been a long time since that social studies class in high school or the college English literature course. It has something to do with suits of armor and opening the door for a lady, right? Don’t be embarrassed, “chivalry” is a word not often heard today, and a lot of people really don’t know what it means. Let’s define the term before we go any further. Here’s what Webster’s Dictionary has to offer:

Chivalry:

·         Gallantry, courtesy and honor.

·         The noble qualities a knight was supposed to have, such as courage and a readiness to help the weak.

·         The demonstration of any of these qualities.

From the Ten Commandments of the Bible, to The Eightfold Path of Zen, to All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten, people throughout history have searched for a way to define and quantify admirable behavior. The code of chivalry is, at its heart, simply a handbook for good conduct. But chivalry was not a mandate from the powerful to the downtrodden, nor a directive from the chosen unto the masses. It was a set of limitations which the strong and mighty placed upon themselves with the realization that setting a good example sends a message which is far more powerful than any words on paper.

Today, we’re not too different from those knights in the Middle Ages — we have a great deal of wealth and resources and freedom at our disposal, and we can use (or misuse) them in nearly any way we like.

Perhaps that’s why people are finding the concept of chivalry so relevant to modern life. Perhaps, like those knights in shining armor hundreds of years ago, we want to experience the satisfaction of knowing that we have championed the right causes and embraced the right principles, not because we were told to do so, but simply because we have chosen to follow that path.

In short, that’s what chivalry is — a choice. The choice to do the right things, for the right reasons, at the right times.”

Since this study came after spending 2 full days in meetings with the PATH Board of Directors made up of foster parents and community representatives, I suddenly felt a new appreciation for the modern “knights” of our society… those who give so much of their time and life to do the “right things, for the right reasons” – foster parents and volunteer board members of PATH!

The virtues of knights included courage, honor, courtesy, justice, and a readiness to help the weak.  Knights fought dragons, rescued those in distress, championed justice, and went on quests.  Let me give some examples of why I think these things are easily seen in PATH foster parents and Board Members...

Courage – foster parents open their hearts and homes to the downtrodden, the needy, and the distressed of our society.  They work with these youth and their families, with the teams trying to help, with schools, doctors, therapists and others, but they do it FROM THEIR HOMES!  They open their humble abodes, their families and their lives to scrutiny, vulnerability and pressures in order to do the “right thing” for their communities and the vulnerable members of their society.

Honor – They give their word and perform amazing service.  There are many years of experience in life that are shared in order to improve the lives of others.  There were Board Members at these meetings who have served in this critical volunteer leadership of PATH since 1994!  That is honorable dedication!

 

          Championing Justice – Foster parents, PATH personnel and Board leaders all want what is best for children and their families.  They want to right the wrongs, they want to help others develop skills to succeed in life, and they want justice for those wronged by society or experiences.
 

         Dragon Fighting – I was taught many years ago that monks of many religious backgrounds created the imagery of dragons to represent the yin and yang of mankind – the good and evil – the scaly body of a lizard with the wings of an angel.  Foster Parents make great dragon fighters!  They slay the demons of trauma experiences, they work to lessen the bad behaviors and emotions and enhance the positive qualities of those for whom they have care.

     Rescuing the distressed – Need I say more? They nurture and foster, bathe, clothe, feed and provide shelter.  They provide a safe environment to the vulnerable.  They mentor and encourage, praise small steps, reward success, and consistently and unconditionally love those who may at times push them away and make them feel unsafe.

     Accept Quests – There may not be better definitions of PATH foster parents and Board Members than that of those on a quest to make a strong, positive difference in the lives of others. I can recall many foster parents reviewing referrals on children with serious behavioral and emotional resumes who then looked me or their worker in the eye and said, “Yes, we can help.” 

 

So, it is clear these modern knights approach life as today’s “Good Samaritans” who welcome into their homes, not just the prodigal sons and daughters of our society, but all the challenges, difficulties and experiences these quests bring with them.  To them, I again say, THANK YOU! 

 

Plan Every Day in Advance

By Bill Kerzman, Director, PATH Family Institute

            Many people use the excuse that they “do not know what tomorrow may bring” to avoid this task.  However, the very act of thinking and planning unlocks mental powers, triggers creativity, and increases emotional and physical energies.  In scouting we often ask the boys, “How do you eat an elephant?”  The answer is, “One bite at a time!”  How true this is!  Remember, every minute spent in planning saves as many as ten minutes in execution!

·        Proper prior planning prevents pitifully poor performance.  Enough said.

·        Work from a list whenever possible.  It is okay to have a master list for your goals, and then break this down further.  There are people who have quarterly, monthly, weekly and daily lists they transfer tasks to as a way of reviewing and focusing for the timeframe ahead.

·        Remember the 80/20 principle – this is also known as the Pareto Principle.  This principle states that 20 percent of your activities will account for 80 percent of your results.  As Brian Tracy states, “One item on a list of ten tasks that you have to do can be worth more than all the other nine items put together.” This is inevitably the task you should prioritize and stay focuses on.

·        Avoid the trap of “clearing up small things” first – this is a temptation that has the illusion of accomplishment.  However, those little things will take your focus off the main goals and you will find that there are always many little things that replace them on the list… working on the little things will always keep you focused on the little things and not your major goals.

·        Motivate yourself – time management is really life and personal management.  Effective, productive people discipline themselves to start on the most important task that is before them.  For many of us in human services, this is about relationships, connections and communication.  Staying focused on inner and middle circles of influence and those relationships can be critical in the people helping professions.

·        Consider the consequences:  your most important tasks and priorities are those that can have the most serious consequences and impacts, positive or negative, on your life or work. Focus on these above all else.

Think on Paper

By Bill Kerzman, Director, PATH Family Institute

            Here are the steps for this simple sounding, yet very important part of forming a new time-management habit:

·        Decide what you want as your overall goals… what are your top five life priorities?

·        Write these down – A goal unwritten is a wish or a fantasy; it has no ongoing energy behind it.  When you write down a goal, you give it tangible form, focus and power.

·        Set a deadline on your goals; set sub-deadlines if necessary.  This gives urgency and will further help you avoid procrastination.

·        List everything you need to do to achieve each goal – break it down into its manageable parts.  Remember, as you come across new tasks or requirements add them to your list as you go.

·        Organize your list(s) into a plan.  Give items a sequence and order of priority. Decide what has to be done before another task can be done, and so on… As time marches on and new discoveries are made, be prepared to reorganize or add to your list, but again, do them on paper!

·        Take action on your plan as soon as possible and as often as needed.  An average plan vigorously executed is far better than a brilliant plan on which nothing is done.

·        Lastly, resolve to do something each day that moves you toward your major goal.  Build this into your daily schedule.  Keep pushing forward; once you start moving, keep moving forward.

Be Action Oriented

By Bill Kerzman, Director, PATH Family Institute

            This is a much easier process for “morning people” or those who are ready to jump right into their day; but even if this is not you, be prepared to take action as soon as you are ready.  However, DO NOT let activity be confused with accomplishment!  Just because you have made great plans, held a number of conversations or meetings, or been to a number of places (literally or on-line) doesn’t mean things got done.  You must be able to see results from these activities.

            There is something called the 80/20 rule which has many applications.  In many settings, 20% of the people account for 80% of the work.  In other settings, 20% of your activities will account for 80% of your results.  Try hard to concentrate your energies on to this top 20%! 

·        “Your success in life and work will be determined by the kinds of habits you develop over time.” Brian Tracy. Being action oriented is really a habit of setting priorities, overcoming procrastination and accomplishing your next most- important task; this is both a mental and physical skill.  It is a habit that can be learned through practice and repetition, over and over again. 

·        Completion of important tasks can lead to the release of endorphins in your brain.  These endorphins can give you a natural rush that leads to feelings of confidence, positivity, and creativity.

·        You can actually develop a “positive addiction” to these endorphins!  You will appreciate the clarity, confidence and competence you feel when these are triggered.  You will begin to organize your life in such a way that you are starting and completing ever more important tasks and projects.  This powerful task management can be seen in many successful foster parents, mentors and workers.

·        One of the worst uses of time is to do something very well that need not be done at all.  Stephen covey, in his book, The 7 Habits of Highly Successful People says, “Before you begin scrambling up the ladder of success, make sure it is leaning against the right building.”       

Be Selective

By Bill Kerzman, Director, PATH Family Institute

            Choose carefully where you focus your energies and priorities.  What we do often and regularly becomes a habit.  If we spend too much time jumping from one task to another and getting distracted by social media, interruptions, small timewasters and other activities, it is easy to develop a habit of being incomplete and feel like you’re in a whirl.  It is hard to do the difficult things we have to do first, but this is an important skill to cultivate.  We must develop and maintain a habit of setting clear priorities and getting important tasks completed early on the list.  Do not delay the tough or unpleasant tasks until later.  These delays weigh on your mind and take more energy from you as you ponder them coming up.  By the time you get to it, the energy spent may exceed that which is really required to just do it.  This is why procrastination is such a drain on people’s energies and organization.

            If you have two important tasks before you, start with the bigger, more difficult or most important one first.  If you ignore the temptation to do the easier one first,   you will start to cultivate a habit of tackling tough projects head on.  Here are a couple other ideas to support this habit:

·        Decide exactly what you want to accomplish today.  Clarity in this decision is important and can be supported by writing down your daily goals either the night before or right away in the morning.  Write out your goals and objectives before you begin your day.  Carry this list with you!

·        Plan every day in advance.  Do not be afraid to think things through on paper.  Time spent planning and writing things out will save you a great amount of time in the end.  Research shows that every minute spent in planning will save five to ten minutes in execution of tasks.

Ideas for Managing Time in Human Services

By Bill Kerzman, Director, PATH Family Institute

One truth that people who work with people need to understand is that there is never enough time to do everything you want to, or have to do.  There must be choices and priorities that need to be made in order to accomplish as much as one can.  Personal productivity is as much a mind-set as it is techniques, strategies, and focused hard work.  Getting control of your time can only be done by changing the way one things, works and deals with the responsibilities and opportunities that come up each and every day.

Over the years, a number of other truths have proven to exist that I have come to rely upon in trying to organize and manage the time and opportunities in my life.  I hope to highlight these ideas here along with some thoughts and ideas shared by others as a means of helping those who work with PATH, or provide affiliated services to children and families. 

“You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him find it within himself” Galileo

            Brian Tracy says, “The ability to concentrate single-mindedly on your most important task, to do it well and to finish it completely, is the key to great success, achievement, respect, status and happiness in life.” This is a wonderful idea, but when your work or home life is filled with the need to connect frequently with others, this becomes an almost impossible endeavor.  At non-violent crisis intervention training, we discuss the idea of paying undivided attention to someone who is anxious and starting to roll into crisis.  It is hard to provide this type of attention, and especially to do it for very long.  Instead, we discuss the idea of providing “moments of undivided attention” as needed.  To a certain degree, this same idea can be used to deal with pressing matters in a world full of distractions, competing needs, and time pressures. So, I am hoping to provide some ideas to use as aids and guides in dealing with time and organization management.

            We all have a lot of things going on whether we are workers, managers or foster parents.  We have so many options begging for our time and attention.  People, tasks, connections, and media of the social and informational kind all try and intrude on attempts to focus and be productive.  It becomes a habit to go from one demand to another without ever fully completing one focused task.  In fact, even precious times like solitude, time-off, and meal prep / meal times can be easily interrupted with the ring of a phone or notification from a social media device.  What can we do?