By:
Joan
Allen, LICSW
If you have raised children who were successful in school,
they no doubt started school like most children in kindergarten or first grade as
eager learners. At some point in their academic careers, they realized the
importance of an education or knew school was where their friends were. This
bought into the idea that school provided some chance of social or academic
success.
Unfortunately, that has not always been true with children
coming from the foster care system. Many of foster children have experienced
very little success in school either academically or socially. To survive and protect themselves from
feelings of failure they begin to disengage academically and cease to care about
grades. For social recognition many begin to act out. Brain research on the effect of trauma on
brain development has shown that to learn you need to feel safe,
psychologically as well as physically. Traumatic events can impact the brain so
that it is difficult to self regulate and concentrate, which makes learning
difficult and increases acting out behaviors. Many children
have gaps in their learning due to many reasons: the stress and anxiety of
trying to cope with a family in chaos, excessive absences with homework that
never gets done or made up, coming to school tired, hungry, and academically
unprepared and the constant fear of failure and social rejection.
There is hope for every child; it takes a positive attitude,
enthusiasm, humor, good will, perseverance and faith that your child will
succeed despite his/her best efforts to derail you.
You are the key to their success - it all begins with your
relationship with your child. A caring involved adult willing to spend
individual time with a child is the single most important factor in healing
from trauma and promoting a child’s cognitive development. Build yourself into their
world as someone they want to be with. Someone who accepts them for who they
are and makes them feel good about where they are headed. Doing homework
together provides an excellent opportunity to nurture your relationship. The value you place on learning will become
apparent. By your example they can
experience your love of learning that the world is a fascinating place and
together the two of you can make sense of it. You are the one helping them to
connect the dots, tying new information to old, relating it to their world so
that those connections are locked into their brains, filling in the gaps.
Enriching upon what they are learning in the classroom so that they have a
sense of mastery and feel they have something to contribute to the class
discussion. Homework is not quite so
daunting if you have someone to do it with you. We all want independent
learners but that is down the road for many of foster/adopt children. We need to get children to the starting line
first, to change their attitude about school, even if it means we sit with them
night after night, reading the lessons together, discussing, reviewing, and
paraphrasing. Success builds on success
until they can finally develop academic confidence and start to see themselves
differently, that they are smart and capable.
Avoid power struggles at all costs - Everyone loses in a power
struggle and the major loss is to your relationship with your child. A handy reminder is to start sentences with
an “I statement” as opposed to a “You statement”. Some children are very
skilled at engaging adults in power struggles. Many have felt utterly powerless
in abusive circumstances however these are not healthy ways for them solve problems
or regain power. Stay friendly but firm
on your bottom line. “I am sorry this is the choice you are making because it
is also choosing this consequence. I
will give you five minutes to rethink what choice is really best for you and to
let me know what you have decided. Go with
their choice if it involves a consequence that is their choice.
Structure the environment. “In our house the TV goes off at seven
o’clock and we sit around the kitchen table and do homework, let’s do it
together so it will go faster and you can then get back to your game, TV show
or whatever it may be.
Have reasonable expectations. Learning takes place every waking
moment but homework time needs to be limited if they are giving an honest
effort. The recommendation is usually 10 minutes of homework per grade level. Know that for some children are not going
learn at the same rate of other children. It may take many repetitions to lock
in the information. You may have to
present the same information in several different ways. You can always have them explain it to you or
to another member of the family when you think they have finally gotten it. It
gives them a sense of mastery to be able to teach something they know to
someone else.
Stay in close contact with the school. Most
teachers have email and most schools have grades on power school that you have
access to. Always remember you have a common goal, which is the success of your
child. They have your child for six to seven hours a day so they have a very
vested interest that your child succeeds. When things are going well for
him/her, the entire class is impacted positively and unfortunately the reverse
is also true. Find out what you can do at home to reinforce what they are
working on at school. It is also a good opportunity to have that exchange with
the teacher as to how your child’s special needs or adoption issues may play
out in the classroom so together you can plan for your child’s classroom
success.
Nurture friendships with classmates outside of school. Invite a
friend to go along on a family activity or over to the house to play. It will
strengthen your child’s social connections. Children feel very vulnerable socially and place
more importance on their social lives in school than on academics. Sports or
activities outside of school are another way your child can feel connected.
Music lessons, dance classes, horseback riding, running or sports all provide
repetitive/rhyme activities that are healing to the traumatized brain as well excellent
avenues for social skill development. You
will need to commit time and resources but the benefits to your child could be
tremendous.
Help your child understand how the social world works. Children
may not have had the social skills training that other children have been
exposed to along their life’s journey. They may not pick up on social cues and not
understand why their behavior is causing a problem. The give and take of social
relationships and cause and effect may be very confusing to them and may need
to be clarified in the moment. “I feel
that you are not listening when you talk at the same time I am talking. I am
going to listen to you without talking and then I would like you to look me in
the eye without talking so I know you are listening, thank you.” Some of our
kids need to play catch up when it comes to manners and common courtesy; they
can be years behind their peers when it comes to social development.
Send them off to school rested, organized for the day and with a smile. Every day
is a fresh start and they are never defined by their mistakes. It is how they
learn and they are so fortunate to have finally found someone who will be there
for them for their successes as well as their mistakes because we all make
them.
Never give up - If one approach doesn’t work try another, just
remember, always kind and caring! You
are human so if you are not feeling kind and caring at the moment take a deep
breath and a break and bring in your reserves.
If they are not available just take a break, give yourself the time you
need to regroup. Be good to yourself,
you are going to need a good support system. You are the therapist, teacher and
parent all rolled into one. It is not an easy job and not for the faint of
heart, it can bring out the best in you and also the worst. It is best to be
prepared for those tough times.
It may have been a long time since you were in school and the
math has all changed along with everything else. If you
don’t know something, look it up. It is also a good resource for children. The
Khan Academy provides free on line tutoring. There are thousands short clips on very
subject at every level. Check it out. Khanacademy.org you will be amazed.
Know that you are changing the world one child at a time. It
is because of you, your child can now start to develop an image of themselves
as capable and fun to be with, as someone able to experience the joy of
learning that never stops and the confidence and knowledge that this world is a
friendly, fascinating place.
