Foster Parents as Coaches – Part 1

By Bill Kerzman

Recently I was reviewing a list of suggestions and comments made in a social work chat forum on LinkedIn about what makes for a successful foster care provider.  The list was long and there were many great qualities listed from patience to understanding, from firmness to nurturing, and even from structured to flexible.  However, one theme kept coming through the comments that struck me as critically important… that was the theme about foster parents being great coaches.  As I reflect on the many great foster parents I have had the pleasure of working with in the past thirty years, I think this may in fact be the overall key to effective foster parenting.

It is one thing to be loving, it is another to teach and coach how to be loved and loving.  It is one thing to have great social/people skills, but is another thing to be able to coach others to have these skills as well.  I started researching and reviewing and want to share some of the principles I found that support this idea.  Let’s start by looking at the four stages of learning.

The learning process has often become more difficult than necessary because of the bad feelings people get when they make mistakes in learning. The bad feelings come from judgments like, "not doing it right," "not good enough," "can never learn this," etc.

Ironically, not doing it right and making mistakes are vital steps in the learning process. Yet too often our attention goes to trying to avoid the bad feelings, rather than to the learning at hand. Understanding the four stages of learning a skill can help keep the learning process focused on learning to do something, and not feeling bad about ourselves for not already knowing how. Here are the four stages of learning as uncovered by Abraham Maslow:

1. Unconscious Incompetence

"I don't know that I don't know how to do this." This is the stage of blissful ignorance before learning begins.

2. Conscious Incompetence

"I know that I don't know how to do this, yet." This is the most difficult stage, where learning begins, and where the most judgments against self are formed. This is also the stage that most people give up.

3. Conscious Competence

"I know that I know how to do this." This stage of learning is much easier than the second stage, but it is still a bit uncomfortable and self-conscious.

4. Unconscious Competence

"What, you say I did something well?" The final stage of learning a skill is when it has become a natural part of us; we don't have to think about it.

 The foster parent that can stay connected to the mind and experience of the learner will be a successful coach and mentor. The person that just keeps expecting people to “be better” or “do better” will burn through people and will not successfully be able to cultivate the potential of those they serve. Foster parents must be able to create a process by which young people can learn new skills, practice new skills and succeed with engraining these new skills in their daily living habits.

The inability to communicate and coach people through each of the 4 stages can be a real downfall of people who try to foster growth in others. If you as an adult are unconsciously competent and not able to connect to the conscious incompetence of young people, you will not be an effective foster parent. It is important to be able to reach all four stages of learning and help others grow. So here are seven qualities I will list as the most important to successful foster parent coaches:

1.    Self Awareness – it is vital that adult role models have great self awareness… they recognize how they are doing, how they are feeling, and make a CHOICE in how to interact and respond to others.  At CPI we teach about the “Integrated Experience” which shows how most crises are not a crisis just for one person, but a process engaged in by at least two parties.  We often say “Do not let the person in crisis pull you into their storm, but pull them into your peace and calm.” Self aware adults can do this because they know and understand their own emotional buttons and needs.

 

2.    High Emotional Intelligence - Emotional intelligence refers to the ability to perceive, control and evaluate emotions. Some researchers suggest that emotional intelligence can be learned and strengthened, while others claim it is an inborn characteristic. Regardless of where it comes from, foster parents who have it are great at tuning in to the emotions of others while staying rationally detached from the fray. 

 

3.    An overarching vision with focus on important details – This paradoxical talent allows people to both (a) view the big picture while (b) sharpening the skills and steps needed to move others to this same envisioned goal.  Recognizing small steps and incremental changes is easier for these individuals.  They recognize that people may take steps back at times too, and are not overly frustrated when these back steps occur.  All the while, they keep their eye on the prize and help young people achieve their goals.  The best foster parents even allow the foster youth to accept that they did these things on their own.

 

4.    High regard and respect for others – these foster parents see value in others.  Not just the child, but the child’s family, siblings, community and team.  They care deeply and want positive change for the child’s sake. 

 

5.    Supportive and Nurturing – they have their own needs met, or are aware of how to meet their own needs - allowing them to be the best caretakers for others.  They know their limits and when to take a break or call for help.  They offer comfort and supportive structure even when kids are anxious or pushing limits.  They care and put caring first.

 

6.    Walk the talk – the best coaching foster parents role model and mentor the skills they desire to foster in others. They live out the sermons of compassion, love for your neighbor, and caring for the poor and downtrodden. 

 

7.    Desire to help – this is the one quality that truly stands out in coaching foster parents.  They are not in this for the fame and fortune, but out of an ingrained desire to improve the world…. Whether it be the world for a specific child or the world for their community.  And for this, we cannot say “THANK YOU” enough!

Chivalry Rebooted – The case for modern KNIGHTS among us

I had the pleasure and responsibility of being a part of PATH’s Strategic Planning meetings this past Friday and Saturday along with Board Members and PATH leaders.  It was an intense, thought-provoking, challenging, and long set of presentations, discussions, and decision-making activities. 

After this experience, I tried to relax by watching some football and began preparing for a discussion class in another facet of my life. In this class, I was tasked with leading a discussion on CHIVALRY.  The idea of chivalry being dead, or being outdated was challenged by the idea of people to having a need for virtues and social responsibility. As part of my preparation I read the following excerpts from Scott Farrell’s 2002 article entitled, “What is chivalry?”

“The term may sound familiar, but … gosh, it has been a long time since that social studies class in high school or the college English literature course. It has something to do with suits of armor and opening the door for a lady, right? Don’t be embarrassed, “chivalry” is a word not often heard today, and a lot of people really don’t know what it means. Let’s define the term before we go any further. Here’s what Webster’s Dictionary has to offer:

Chivalry:

·         Gallantry, courtesy and honor.

·         The noble qualities a knight was supposed to have, such as courage and a readiness to help the weak.

·         The demonstration of any of these qualities.

From the Ten Commandments of the Bible, to The Eightfold Path of Zen, to All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten, people throughout history have searched for a way to define and quantify admirable behavior. The code of chivalry is, at its heart, simply a handbook for good conduct. But chivalry was not a mandate from the powerful to the downtrodden, nor a directive from the chosen unto the masses. It was a set of limitations which the strong and mighty placed upon themselves with the realization that setting a good example sends a message which is far more powerful than any words on paper.

Today, we’re not too different from those knights in the Middle Ages — we have a great deal of wealth and resources and freedom at our disposal, and we can use (or misuse) them in nearly any way we like.

Perhaps that’s why people are finding the concept of chivalry so relevant to modern life. Perhaps, like those knights in shining armor hundreds of years ago, we want to experience the satisfaction of knowing that we have championed the right causes and embraced the right principles, not because we were told to do so, but simply because we have chosen to follow that path.

In short, that’s what chivalry is — a choice. The choice to do the right things, for the right reasons, at the right times.”

Since this study came after spending 2 full days in meetings with the PATH Board of Directors made up of foster parents and community representatives, I suddenly felt a new appreciation for the modern “knights” of our society… those who give so much of their time and life to do the “right things, for the right reasons” – foster parents and volunteer board members of PATH!

The virtues of knights included courage, honor, courtesy, justice, and a readiness to help the weak.  Knights fought dragons, rescued those in distress, championed justice, and went on quests.  Let me give some examples of why I think these things are easily seen in PATH foster parents and Board Members...

Courage – foster parents open their hearts and homes to the downtrodden, the needy, and the distressed of our society.  They work with these youth and their families, with the teams trying to help, with schools, doctors, therapists and others, but they do it FROM THEIR HOMES!  They open their humble abodes, their families and their lives to scrutiny, vulnerability and pressures in order to do the “right thing” for their communities and the vulnerable members of their society.

Honor – They give their word and perform amazing service.  There are many years of experience in life that are shared in order to improve the lives of others.  There were Board Members at these meetings who have served in this critical volunteer leadership of PATH since 1994!  That is honorable dedication!

 

          Championing Justice – Foster parents, PATH personnel and Board leaders all want what is best for children and their families.  They want to right the wrongs, they want to help others develop skills to succeed in life, and they want justice for those wronged by society or experiences.
 

         Dragon Fighting – I was taught many years ago that monks of many religious backgrounds created the imagery of dragons to represent the yin and yang of mankind – the good and evil – the scaly body of a lizard with the wings of an angel.  Foster Parents make great dragon fighters!  They slay the demons of trauma experiences, they work to lessen the bad behaviors and emotions and enhance the positive qualities of those for whom they have care.

     Rescuing the distressed – Need I say more? They nurture and foster, bathe, clothe, feed and provide shelter.  They provide a safe environment to the vulnerable.  They mentor and encourage, praise small steps, reward success, and consistently and unconditionally love those who may at times push them away and make them feel unsafe.

     Accept Quests – There may not be better definitions of PATH foster parents and Board Members than that of those on a quest to make a strong, positive difference in the lives of others. I can recall many foster parents reviewing referrals on children with serious behavioral and emotional resumes who then looked me or their worker in the eye and said, “Yes, we can help.” 

 

So, it is clear these modern knights approach life as today’s “Good Samaritans” who welcome into their homes, not just the prodigal sons and daughters of our society, but all the challenges, difficulties and experiences these quests bring with them.  To them, I again say, THANK YOU! 

 

Plan Every Day in Advance

By Bill Kerzman, Director, PATH Family Institute

            Many people use the excuse that they “do not know what tomorrow may bring” to avoid this task.  However, the very act of thinking and planning unlocks mental powers, triggers creativity, and increases emotional and physical energies.  In scouting we often ask the boys, “How do you eat an elephant?”  The answer is, “One bite at a time!”  How true this is!  Remember, every minute spent in planning saves as many as ten minutes in execution!

·        Proper prior planning prevents pitifully poor performance.  Enough said.

·        Work from a list whenever possible.  It is okay to have a master list for your goals, and then break this down further.  There are people who have quarterly, monthly, weekly and daily lists they transfer tasks to as a way of reviewing and focusing for the timeframe ahead.

·        Remember the 80/20 principle – this is also known as the Pareto Principle.  This principle states that 20 percent of your activities will account for 80 percent of your results.  As Brian Tracy states, “One item on a list of ten tasks that you have to do can be worth more than all the other nine items put together.” This is inevitably the task you should prioritize and stay focuses on.

·        Avoid the trap of “clearing up small things” first – this is a temptation that has the illusion of accomplishment.  However, those little things will take your focus off the main goals and you will find that there are always many little things that replace them on the list… working on the little things will always keep you focused on the little things and not your major goals.

·        Motivate yourself – time management is really life and personal management.  Effective, productive people discipline themselves to start on the most important task that is before them.  For many of us in human services, this is about relationships, connections and communication.  Staying focused on inner and middle circles of influence and those relationships can be critical in the people helping professions.

·        Consider the consequences:  your most important tasks and priorities are those that can have the most serious consequences and impacts, positive or negative, on your life or work. Focus on these above all else.

Think on Paper

By Bill Kerzman, Director, PATH Family Institute

            Here are the steps for this simple sounding, yet very important part of forming a new time-management habit:

·        Decide what you want as your overall goals… what are your top five life priorities?

·        Write these down – A goal unwritten is a wish or a fantasy; it has no ongoing energy behind it.  When you write down a goal, you give it tangible form, focus and power.

·        Set a deadline on your goals; set sub-deadlines if necessary.  This gives urgency and will further help you avoid procrastination.

·        List everything you need to do to achieve each goal – break it down into its manageable parts.  Remember, as you come across new tasks or requirements add them to your list as you go.

·        Organize your list(s) into a plan.  Give items a sequence and order of priority. Decide what has to be done before another task can be done, and so on… As time marches on and new discoveries are made, be prepared to reorganize or add to your list, but again, do them on paper!

·        Take action on your plan as soon as possible and as often as needed.  An average plan vigorously executed is far better than a brilliant plan on which nothing is done.

·        Lastly, resolve to do something each day that moves you toward your major goal.  Build this into your daily schedule.  Keep pushing forward; once you start moving, keep moving forward.

Be Action Oriented

By Bill Kerzman, Director, PATH Family Institute

            This is a much easier process for “morning people” or those who are ready to jump right into their day; but even if this is not you, be prepared to take action as soon as you are ready.  However, DO NOT let activity be confused with accomplishment!  Just because you have made great plans, held a number of conversations or meetings, or been to a number of places (literally or on-line) doesn’t mean things got done.  You must be able to see results from these activities.

            There is something called the 80/20 rule which has many applications.  In many settings, 20% of the people account for 80% of the work.  In other settings, 20% of your activities will account for 80% of your results.  Try hard to concentrate your energies on to this top 20%! 

·        “Your success in life and work will be determined by the kinds of habits you develop over time.” Brian Tracy. Being action oriented is really a habit of setting priorities, overcoming procrastination and accomplishing your next most- important task; this is both a mental and physical skill.  It is a habit that can be learned through practice and repetition, over and over again. 

·        Completion of important tasks can lead to the release of endorphins in your brain.  These endorphins can give you a natural rush that leads to feelings of confidence, positivity, and creativity.

·        You can actually develop a “positive addiction” to these endorphins!  You will appreciate the clarity, confidence and competence you feel when these are triggered.  You will begin to organize your life in such a way that you are starting and completing ever more important tasks and projects.  This powerful task management can be seen in many successful foster parents, mentors and workers.

·        One of the worst uses of time is to do something very well that need not be done at all.  Stephen covey, in his book, The 7 Habits of Highly Successful People says, “Before you begin scrambling up the ladder of success, make sure it is leaning against the right building.”       

Be Selective

By Bill Kerzman, Director, PATH Family Institute

            Choose carefully where you focus your energies and priorities.  What we do often and regularly becomes a habit.  If we spend too much time jumping from one task to another and getting distracted by social media, interruptions, small timewasters and other activities, it is easy to develop a habit of being incomplete and feel like you’re in a whirl.  It is hard to do the difficult things we have to do first, but this is an important skill to cultivate.  We must develop and maintain a habit of setting clear priorities and getting important tasks completed early on the list.  Do not delay the tough or unpleasant tasks until later.  These delays weigh on your mind and take more energy from you as you ponder them coming up.  By the time you get to it, the energy spent may exceed that which is really required to just do it.  This is why procrastination is such a drain on people’s energies and organization.

            If you have two important tasks before you, start with the bigger, more difficult or most important one first.  If you ignore the temptation to do the easier one first,   you will start to cultivate a habit of tackling tough projects head on.  Here are a couple other ideas to support this habit:

·        Decide exactly what you want to accomplish today.  Clarity in this decision is important and can be supported by writing down your daily goals either the night before or right away in the morning.  Write out your goals and objectives before you begin your day.  Carry this list with you!

·        Plan every day in advance.  Do not be afraid to think things through on paper.  Time spent planning and writing things out will save you a great amount of time in the end.  Research shows that every minute spent in planning will save five to ten minutes in execution of tasks.

Ideas for Managing Time in Human Services

By Bill Kerzman, Director, PATH Family Institute

One truth that people who work with people need to understand is that there is never enough time to do everything you want to, or have to do.  There must be choices and priorities that need to be made in order to accomplish as much as one can.  Personal productivity is as much a mind-set as it is techniques, strategies, and focused hard work.  Getting control of your time can only be done by changing the way one things, works and deals with the responsibilities and opportunities that come up each and every day.

Over the years, a number of other truths have proven to exist that I have come to rely upon in trying to organize and manage the time and opportunities in my life.  I hope to highlight these ideas here along with some thoughts and ideas shared by others as a means of helping those who work with PATH, or provide affiliated services to children and families. 

“You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him find it within himself” Galileo

            Brian Tracy says, “The ability to concentrate single-mindedly on your most important task, to do it well and to finish it completely, is the key to great success, achievement, respect, status and happiness in life.” This is a wonderful idea, but when your work or home life is filled with the need to connect frequently with others, this becomes an almost impossible endeavor.  At non-violent crisis intervention training, we discuss the idea of paying undivided attention to someone who is anxious and starting to roll into crisis.  It is hard to provide this type of attention, and especially to do it for very long.  Instead, we discuss the idea of providing “moments of undivided attention” as needed.  To a certain degree, this same idea can be used to deal with pressing matters in a world full of distractions, competing needs, and time pressures. So, I am hoping to provide some ideas to use as aids and guides in dealing with time and organization management.

            We all have a lot of things going on whether we are workers, managers or foster parents.  We have so many options begging for our time and attention.  People, tasks, connections, and media of the social and informational kind all try and intrude on attempts to focus and be productive.  It becomes a habit to go from one demand to another without ever fully completing one focused task.  In fact, even precious times like solitude, time-off, and meal prep / meal times can be easily interrupted with the ring of a phone or notification from a social media device.  What can we do?

If I knew it would be the last time. By Andrea Chambers

If I knew it would be the last time
I would be there to share your day,
I'm sure you'll have so many more
so I can let this one slip away.

There will always be another day
but maybe I am wrong?
For who knows what tomorrow brings,
I have to be so strong.

We had to live everyday,
not knowing if you'd leave
And praying to our God above,
That he too would believe,

That you were right where you belonged,
with a large, loving family.
But that all changed so quickly,
it seems unreal to me.

If I knew it would be the last time,
that I would hold you oh so tight,
I would have let the cleaning go,
and held you with all my might.

So if you're waiting for tomorrow,
why not do it today?
For if tomorrow never comes,
your chance has slipped away.

-Andrea Chambers

A Diversity Minute: An inspiring story.....

An inspiring story.....  Author unknown

This is a true story, sent to me recently by a colleague at work and expresses more eloquently than I can how I feel about prejudice and ignorant attitudes towards people who are different.

As we know, we see discrimination in some form or another almost everyday and often times it  leaves a sour taste in our mouths. The  following story shows us the side of diversity that we are all  working for. It is a pleasant twist to see that there are companies  and individuals who face discrimination head on, if only one small step at a time.

Enjoy reading the positive side of diversity. We must  applaud  British Airways for their action in this situation.

On a British Airways flight from Johannesburg, a  middle-aged, well-off white South African Lady has found herself sitting next to a black man.  She calls the cabin crew attendant over to about her seating.
 

 "What seems to be the problem Madam?" asks the attendant. 

"Can't you see?" she says. "You've sat me next to a kaffir. I can't  possibly sit next to this disgusting human. Find me another seat!"
 

"Please calm down Madam", the stewardess replies. "The flight is very full today, but I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll go and check to see if we have any seats available in club or first class."

The woman cocks a snooty look at the outraged black man beside her (not to  mention many of the surrounding passengers). A few minutes later the stewardess returns with the good news, which she delivers to the lady, who cannot help but look at the people around her with a smug and self satisfied grin.

"Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected, economy is full.  I've  spoken to the cabin services director, and club is also full.  However, we do have one seat in first class."

Before the lady has a chance to answer, the stewardess  continues .........

"It is most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade,  however, and I have had to get special permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain felt that it is outrageous that  someone be forced to sit next to such an obnoxious person."

With that, she turns to the black man sitting next to the woman,  and says...

"So if you'd like to get your things, Sir, I have your seat ready for you."

At which point, apparently the surrounding passengers stood and gave a standing ovation while the black guy walked up to the front of the plane.

"People will forget what you said,
People will forget what you did,
But people will never forget how you made them feel."
Maya Angelou

A Foster Parent’s Poem

There I sat, alone and afraid,
You got a call and came right to my aid.
You bundled me up with blankets and love.
And, when I needed it most, you gave me a hug.
I learned that the world as not all that scary and cold.
That sometimes there is someone to have and to hold.
You taught me what love is, you helped me to mend.
You loved me and healed me and became my first friend.
And just when I thought you’d done all you do,
There cam along not one new lesson, but two.
First you said, “Sweetheart, you’re ready to go.
I’ve done all I can, and you’ve learned all I know”
Then you bundled me up with a blanket and a kiss.
Along came a new family, they even have kids!
They took me to their home, forever to stay.
At first I thought you sent me away.
Then that second lesson became perfectly clear.
No matter how far, you will always be near.
And so, Foster Mom, you know I’ve moved on.
I have a new home, with toys and a lawn.
But I’ll never forget what I learned that first day.
You never really give your fosters away.
You gave me these thoughts to remember you by.
We may never meet again, and now I know why.
You’ll remember I lived with you for a time.
I may not be yours, but you’ll always be mine.

Author Unknown

Reposted from John DeGarmo, Ed.D.

Teaching Children About Diversity

By Christopher J. Metzler, Ph.D.

Christopher Metzler is one of the world's leading authorities on issues of diversity and inclusion.

We are living in an increasingly diverse world, and this is a wonderful gift. Our children attend schools with children who are much different than they are. For example, more children are being raised by single parents, by same sex parents and in blended families. Many children are non-native English speakers and some are children with disabilities (both physical and mental).

The challenge for parents is ensuring that children learn to accept and respect differences, thus making them more productive adults. But, where do we start? Children don't come with instructions, but they do come with open minds. Much of what they learn about respecting differences comes from their parents. That being said, consider the following suggestions:
Start with us. Children listen to what we say as well as watch what we do. So as parents, we must deal with our own diversity deficits, so that we can lead by not just saying but also by doing. For example, one parent tells her children not to judge people by their color. The family lives in a majority white community and the children have had very limited interactions with blacks.

However, her children hear her telling friends that the blacks with whom she works are so lazy that she has to do their job and her job. If we are to teach our children to make decisions that are not based on stereotypes, then we must do the same. In this example, the people may in fact have been lazy. However, it is not their blackness that makes them lazy - they are just lazy. "Do as I say but not as I do" does not help children become more accepting of differences.

Get out of our comfort zone. For all the talk about diversity, Americans still segregate ourselves into fairly homogenous communities. Teaching our children to accept differences may require that we use the power of the internet to learn about differences, that we seek out cultural activities that are out of our community and explore the strength and value in diversity. It is not enough to simply visit cultural events, eat ethnic foods and thus learn about differences from a voyeuristic point of view. Instead, we must make a deliberate effort to get out of the familiar and show our children we mean it. Accepting differences should be how we live our lives.

Listen and respond. When children ask about differences, start by listening to the question they are asking and the language they are using. If in asking questions about differences they are using hurtful or stereotypical language, explore with them why such language is hurtful. Explain in an age-appropriate manner why stereotypes don't tell the whole story and are divisive.

Don't be blind to differences. Parents often tell me that they want their children to be "difference blind." This is both unrealistic and misses the point. Children will notice that Jouain has a different sounding name or that Yasmeen always wears a head scarf to school, or that Rajiv eats foods that look and smell different from what they eat. They will have a natural curiosity about this. As parents, we must help them appreciate and learn about those differences, not pretend that they do not exist. The question is not whether differences exist; it is what message we are sending by teaching children to be "blind" to differences. Unless we as parents are willing to help explain to children what seems strange or different to them, we will never be successful in teaching children to understand and appreciate differences.

Avoid political correctness. Parents who teach children to be politically correct when interacting with differences are making the situation worse. Rather than teach children the correct labels or names for people, let's teach them that differences are only a part of who we are. It is not the total of who we are.

Parents teach children how to brush their teeth, to comb their hair, to be responsible and to be successful. We do so by introducing and reinforcing behavior that helps achieve these goals. We should do the same when it comes to appreciating diversity. It is only then that we can move from tolerance to acceptance.

So, how have you been teaching your child about diversity? Do you think it's working?

DIVERSITY FUN FACTS:

Submitted by: Jodi Duttenhefer, PATH Area Director

The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

About 4% of all Americans are vegetarians.

Fortune cookies were actually invented in American in 1918 by Charles Jung.

People in Western China, Tibet and Mongolia put salt in their tea.

Donald Duck comics were banned from libraries in Finland because he doesn’t wear pants.

It’s against the law to stare at the Mayor of Paris.

In Alaska, it is illegal to look at a moose from the window of an airplane or any other flying object.

Dueling in Paraguay is legal as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

In 1976, a Los Angeles secretary formally married her 50 pound pet rock.

During the time of Peter the Great, any Russian man who wore a beard was required to pay a special tax.

There are no clocks in Las Vegas casinos.

One in every 4 Americans has appeared on television.

Americans spend $630 million per year on golf balls.

In Tibet, it is considered polite to stick out your tongue at your guests.

There is a city called Rome on every continent in the world.

Every person has a unique tongue print, just like fingerprints.

On average, an adult laughs 15 times a day; a child laughs 400 times.

Do You Know Why We See Snow as White?

A savant's story reveals the complexity of snowflakes and the simplicity of snow.

By Daniel Tammet from Thinking in Numbers 

Outside it is cold, cold. Ten degrees below give or take. I step out with my coat zipped up to my chin and my feet encased in heavy rubber boots. The glittering street is empty; the wool-gray sky is low. Under my scarf and gloves and thermals I can feel my pulse begin to make a racket. I do not care. I wait.

A week before, the trees’ bare branches stood clean against blue sky. Now the sight of falling snowflakes makes me shiver; it fills the space in my head that is devoted to wonder. How beautiful they are, I think. When will they stop? In an hour? A day? A month?

The neighbors, who’ve lived in Ottawa far longer than I, tell me they have not seen this snowfall’s like in a generation. Shovels in hand, they dig paths from their garage doors out to the road. The older men affect expressions of both nonchalance and annoyance, but soon faint smiles form at the corners of their wind-chapped mouths.

Granted, it is exhausting to trudge to the shops. Every step seems to take an age. Hot under my onion layers of clothing, I carry a shirtful of perspiration back into the house. Wet socks unpeel like plasters from my feet; the warm air smarts my skin. Later, around a table, in the dusk of a candlelit supper, my friends and I exchange recollections of winters past. We talk sleds and toboggans and fierce snowball fights. I recall a childhood memory from London: the first time I heard the sound of falling snow.

“What did it sound like?” the evening’s host asks me.

“It sounded like someone slowly rubbing his hands together.”

Yes, my friends say, laughing. Yes, we can hear what you mean.

One man laughs louder than the others. I do not catch his name; he is not a regular guest. I gather he is some kind of scientist.

“Do you know why we see snow as white?” he asks. “It is all to do with how the sides of the snowflakes reflect light.” All the colors in the spectrum, he explains to us, scatter out from the snow in roughly equal proportions, which we perceive as whiteness.

Now our host’s wife has a question. “Could the colors never come out in a different proportion?”
“Sometimes, if the snow is very deep,” he answers. In which case, the light that comes back to us can appear tinged with blue. “And sometimes a snowflake’s structure will resemble that of a diamond,” he continues. Light entering these flakes becomes so mangled as to dispense a rainbow of multicolored sparkles.

“Is it true that no two snowflakes are alike?” This question comes from the host’s teenage daughter.

It is true. Every snowflake has a basic six-sided structure, he says, but its spiraling descent sculpts each in a unique way: The minutest variations in air temperature or moisture make all the difference.

Still, researchers classify snowflakes by size, shape, and symmetry. For example, some snowflakes are flat and have broad arms, resembling stars, so that meteorologists speak of stellar plates, while those with deep ridges are called sectored plates. Branchy flakes, like those in Christmas decorations, go by the term stellar dendrites—from the Greek word for tree.

Sometimes snowflakes fall as columns of ice, which are called needles. Some, like conjoined twins, show 12 sides instead of the usual six, while others resemble bullets. Other possible shapes include the cup, the sheath, and arrowhead twins.

We listen wordlessly to the scientist’s explanations. Our rapt attention flatters him. His white hands, as he speaks, draw the shape of every snowflake in the air.

That night, the snow reaches into my dreams. My warm bed offers no protection from my childhood memories of the cold. I dream of a distant winter in my parents’ garden: The powdery snow, freshly fallen, was like sugar to my younger brothers and sisters, who hastened outside with shrieks of delight. I hesitated to join them, preferring to watch from the safety of my bedroom window. But later, after they had all wound up their games and headed back in, I ventured out alone and started to pack the snow. Like the Inuit (who call it igluksaq—house-building material), I wanted to build myself a shelter. The crunching snow gradually encircled me, the walls rising higher until at last they covered me completely. My boyish face and hands smeared with snow, I crouched deep inside feeling sad and feeling safe.

In the morning, my friends call up to my room. “We are ready and waiting!” I am the English slowpoke, unaccustomed to this freezing climate, to the lethargy it imposes on the body.
London’s wet slush was quick to blacken, but here the snow is incandescent white. Canadians have no fear of winter. Stockpiling milk and bread is unheard-of. Traffic jams, canceled meetings, and energy blackouts are rare. The faces that greet me downstairs are smiling. They know that the roads will have been salted, that their letters and parcels will arrive on time, that the shops will be open.

In the schools of Ottawa, children extract snowflakes from white sheets of paper. They fold the crisp sheet to an oblong, and the oblong to a square, and the square to a right-angled triangle. With scissors, they snip the triangle on all sides; every pupil folds and snips the paper in his own way. When they unfold the paper, different snowflakes appear, as many as there are children. But every one has something in common: They are all symmetrical. Shorn of nature’s imperfections, the children’s flakes represent an ideal.

At the University of Wisconsin, mathematician David Griffeath has improved on the children’s game by modeling snowflakes on a computer. In 2008, Griffeath and his colleague Janko Gravner produced an algorithm that mimics the many physical principles that underlie how snowflakes form. The project proved slow and painstaking. It can take up to a day for the algorithm to perform the hundreds of thousands of calculations necessary for a single flake. Parameters were set and reset to make the simulations as lifelike as possible. But the end results were extraordinary. On the mathematicians’ computer screen shimmered a galaxy of three-dimensional snowflakes: elaborate, finely ridged stellar dendrites and 12-branched stars, needles, prisms of every known configuration, and others resembling butterfly wings, which no one had identified before.

My friends take me on a trek through the forest, where flakes fall intermittently and sunlight glistens on hillocks of snow. We tread slowly, rhythmically, across the shifting surfaces, which squirm and squeak under our boots.

Whenever snow falls, people look at things and suddenly see them. Lampposts and doorsteps and tree stumps and telephone lines take on a whole new aspect. We notice what they are and not simply what they represent. Their curves, angles, and repetitions command our attention. Visitors to the forest stop and stare at the geometry of branches, of fences, of trisecting paths. They shake their heads in silent admiration.

A voice somewhere says the river Hull has frozen over. I disguise my excitement as a question. “Shall we go?” I ask my friends. For where there is ice, there are inevitably skaters, and where there are skaters, there is laughter and lightheartedness and stalls selling hot pastries and spiced wine. We go.

The frozen river brims with action: Parkas pirouette, wet dogs give chase, and customers line up in queues. The air smells of cinnamon. Everywhere, the snow is on people’s lips: It serves as the icebreaker for every conversation. Nobody stands still as they are talking; they shift their weight from leg to leg, stamp their feet, wiggle their noses, and exaggerate their blinks.

The flakes fall heavier, whirling in the wind. Human noises evaporate; now nobody moves.
Snow comes to earth and forms snow lampposts, snow trees, snow cars, snowmen. Nothing is indifferent to its touch. New worlds appear and disappear, leaving their prints upon our imagination.
Daniel Tammet was diagnosed with autistic savant syndrome at the age of 24. He has subsequently written bestselling books about mathematics, neuroscience, and living with Asperger’s syndrome.

Washing Clothes

One young man went to apply for a managerial position in a big company. He passed the initial interview, and now would meet the director for the final interview.

The director discovered from his CV that the youth's academic achievements were excellent. He asked, "Did you obtain any scholarships in school?" the youth answered "no".  " Was it your father who paid for your school fees?"

"My father passed away when I was one year old, it was my mother who paid for my school fees.” he replied.  "Where did your mother work?" "My mother worked as clothes cleaner.” The director requested the youth to show his hands. The youth showed a pair of hands that were smooth and perfect.  "Have you ever helped your mother wash the clothes before?" "Never, my mother always wanted me to study and read more books. Besides, my mother can wash clothes faster than me.

The director said, "I have a request. When you go home today, go and clean your mother's hands, and then see me tomorrow morning.

The youth felt that his chance of landing the job was high. When he went back home, he asked his mother to let him clean her hands. His mother felt strange, happy but with mixed feelings, she showed her hands to her son.

The youth cleaned his mother's hands slowly. His tear fell as he did that. It was the first time he noticed that his mother's hands were so wrinkled, and there were so many bruises in her hands. Some bruises were so painful that his mother winced when he touched it.

This was the first time the youth realized that it was this pair of hands that washed the clothes everyday to enable him to pay the school fees. The bruises in the mother's hands were the price that the mother had to pay for his education, his school activities and his future.

After cleaning his mother hands, the youth quietly washed all the remaining clothes for his mother. That night, mother and son talked for a very long time.

Next morning, the youth went to the director's office.  The Director noticed the tears in the youth's eyes, when he asked: "Can you tell me what have you done and learned yesterday in your house?" The youth answered, "I cleaned my mother's hand, and also finished cleaning all the remaining clothes' “I know now what appreciation is. Without my mother, I would not be who I am today. By helping my mother, only now do I realize how difficult and tough it is to get something done on your own. And I have come to appreciate the importance and value of helping one’s family.

The director said, "This is what I am looking for in a manager. I want to recruit a person who can appreciate the help of others, a person who knows the sufferings of others to get things done, and a person who would not put money as his only goal in life.”  “You are hired.”

This young person worked very hard, and received the respect of his subordinates. Every employee worked diligently and worked as a team. The company's performance improved tremendously.

A child, who has been protected and habitually given whatever he wanted, would develop an "entitlement mentality" and would always put himself first. He would be ignorant of his parent's efforts. When he starts work, he assumes that every person must listen to him, and when he becomes a manager, he would never know the sufferings of his employees and would always blame others. For this kind of people, who may be good academically, they may be successful for a while, but eventually they would not feel a sense of achievement. They will grumble and be full of hatred and fight for more. If we are this kind of protective parents, are we really showing love or are we destroying our children instead?

You can let your child live in a big house, eat a good meal, learn piano, watch on a big screen TV. But when you are cutting grass, please let them experience it. After a meal, let them wash their plates and bowls together with their brothers and sisters. It is not because you do not have money to hire a maid, but it is because you want to love them in a right way. You want them to understand, no matter how rich their parents are, one day their hair will grow gray, same as the mother of that young person. The most important thing is your child learns how to appreciate the effort and experience the difficulty