Foster Parents as Coaches – Part 1

By Bill Kerzman

Recently I was reviewing a list of suggestions and comments made in a social work chat forum on LinkedIn about what makes for a successful foster care provider.  The list was long and there were many great qualities listed from patience to understanding, from firmness to nurturing, and even from structured to flexible.  However, one theme kept coming through the comments that struck me as critically important… that was the theme about foster parents being great coaches.  As I reflect on the many great foster parents I have had the pleasure of working with in the past thirty years, I think this may in fact be the overall key to effective foster parenting.

It is one thing to be loving, it is another to teach and coach how to be loved and loving.  It is one thing to have great social/people skills, but is another thing to be able to coach others to have these skills as well.  I started researching and reviewing and want to share some of the principles I found that support this idea.  Let’s start by looking at the four stages of learning.

The learning process has often become more difficult than necessary because of the bad feelings people get when they make mistakes in learning. The bad feelings come from judgments like, "not doing it right," "not good enough," "can never learn this," etc.

Ironically, not doing it right and making mistakes are vital steps in the learning process. Yet too often our attention goes to trying to avoid the bad feelings, rather than to the learning at hand. Understanding the four stages of learning a skill can help keep the learning process focused on learning to do something, and not feeling bad about ourselves for not already knowing how. Here are the four stages of learning as uncovered by Abraham Maslow:

1. Unconscious Incompetence

"I don't know that I don't know how to do this." This is the stage of blissful ignorance before learning begins.

2. Conscious Incompetence

"I know that I don't know how to do this, yet." This is the most difficult stage, where learning begins, and where the most judgments against self are formed. This is also the stage that most people give up.

3. Conscious Competence

"I know that I know how to do this." This stage of learning is much easier than the second stage, but it is still a bit uncomfortable and self-conscious.

4. Unconscious Competence

"What, you say I did something well?" The final stage of learning a skill is when it has become a natural part of us; we don't have to think about it.

 The foster parent that can stay connected to the mind and experience of the learner will be a successful coach and mentor. The person that just keeps expecting people to “be better” or “do better” will burn through people and will not successfully be able to cultivate the potential of those they serve. Foster parents must be able to create a process by which young people can learn new skills, practice new skills and succeed with engraining these new skills in their daily living habits.

The inability to communicate and coach people through each of the 4 stages can be a real downfall of people who try to foster growth in others. If you as an adult are unconsciously competent and not able to connect to the conscious incompetence of young people, you will not be an effective foster parent. It is important to be able to reach all four stages of learning and help others grow. So here are seven qualities I will list as the most important to successful foster parent coaches:

1.    Self Awareness – it is vital that adult role models have great self awareness… they recognize how they are doing, how they are feeling, and make a CHOICE in how to interact and respond to others.  At CPI we teach about the “Integrated Experience” which shows how most crises are not a crisis just for one person, but a process engaged in by at least two parties.  We often say “Do not let the person in crisis pull you into their storm, but pull them into your peace and calm.” Self aware adults can do this because they know and understand their own emotional buttons and needs.

 

2.    High Emotional Intelligence - Emotional intelligence refers to the ability to perceive, control and evaluate emotions. Some researchers suggest that emotional intelligence can be learned and strengthened, while others claim it is an inborn characteristic. Regardless of where it comes from, foster parents who have it are great at tuning in to the emotions of others while staying rationally detached from the fray. 

 

3.    An overarching vision with focus on important details – This paradoxical talent allows people to both (a) view the big picture while (b) sharpening the skills and steps needed to move others to this same envisioned goal.  Recognizing small steps and incremental changes is easier for these individuals.  They recognize that people may take steps back at times too, and are not overly frustrated when these back steps occur.  All the while, they keep their eye on the prize and help young people achieve their goals.  The best foster parents even allow the foster youth to accept that they did these things on their own.

 

4.    High regard and respect for others – these foster parents see value in others.  Not just the child, but the child’s family, siblings, community and team.  They care deeply and want positive change for the child’s sake. 

 

5.    Supportive and Nurturing – they have their own needs met, or are aware of how to meet their own needs - allowing them to be the best caretakers for others.  They know their limits and when to take a break or call for help.  They offer comfort and supportive structure even when kids are anxious or pushing limits.  They care and put caring first.

 

6.    Walk the talk – the best coaching foster parents role model and mentor the skills they desire to foster in others. They live out the sermons of compassion, love for your neighbor, and caring for the poor and downtrodden. 

 

7.    Desire to help – this is the one quality that truly stands out in coaching foster parents.  They are not in this for the fame and fortune, but out of an ingrained desire to improve the world…. Whether it be the world for a specific child or the world for their community.  And for this, we cannot say “THANK YOU” enough!